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  • “Everything Happens For a Reason” – and Other Unhelpful Platitudes When You are Facing Breast Cancer

    It is easy to understand the urge to be positive in the face of adversity. The idea that you need to “look on the bright side” and “turn that frown upside down” are interwoven in the zeitgeist of our times– happy is good, sad is bad– and when faced with adversity we keep our head up, pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, or countless other cliches that define a culture obsessed with positivity and independence.

    But what happens when life just doesn’t make sense – like when you get a breast cancer diagnosis? Or your loved one does? Reality does not always match up with the cliches.  Life produces   many emotions and while some can be difficult or painful, those emotions deserve expression.

    The Toxic Positivity Problem for Breast Cancer Thrivers

    Toxic positivity is the idea that all negativity should be avoided and suppressed. Having a positive mindset is an important aspect of mental wellness. However for someone who is dealing with the strong emotions that accompany a breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, suppressing your vast emotional experiences  has its consequences. Toxic positivity can lead to increased stress, ignoring problems, hiding painful emotions, denying needs, and developing guilt for feelings you have every right to feel.

    Still, people in your life are well meaning and want to help ease your distress (and their own) – which is why it is important to be aware of the traps of toxic positivity. 

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    Things You Don’t Want to Hear When You Have Breast Cancer

    “It’s all going to be okay…”

    Newsflash – it may be in the future but it’s not right now. There are so many aspects to the emotional journey you experience after receiving a breast cancer diagnosis and during treatment – and much of it  is simply not going to feel “okay.”  This overgeneralization diminishes the wide ranging practical and emotional challenges that accompany your cancer journey.  

    “It’s just breast cancer, that’s the ‘good’ kind to get…”

    Advances in breast cancer treatment are improving regularly and life after treatment can be healthy and full. Breast cancer, with a 5 year, 91% survival rate, is seen as a very treatable cancer diagnosis, but that does not mean that the course of a breast cancer treatment plan is an easy road. Cancer, no matter what kind, no matter when it is found, typically causes a significant life disruption and often a unique  set  of fears, questions, and challenges. People in your life offer optimism and platitudes in order to show their support, but some may be unwilling or unable to authentically relate to uncomfortable process of breast cancer diagnosis, treatment and post-treatment survivorship.

    “No matter what, stay strong…”

    Yes, maintaining resilience in the face of adversity is important. No one is required to be strong (read: unaffected or unemotional) all the time.  Allowing yourself the freedom and grace to honestly reflect on your emotional experience  is not only okay, but it is effective  emotions, rather than suppressing them. It is important to ask for and invite help and expand your community of support. Human connection can increase hope, resilience and allow you to delegate stressors to redirect energy toward healing.  

    “You look great, are you sure you’re sick?”

    There’s a presumption of what someone with cancer looks like. Many breast cancer treatments, especially those for metastatic breast cancer, are longer term, and as a result are less toxic than some other, first line  cancer treatments. The side effects simply might not be as visually apparent during breast cancer treatment,  but there is a reason we were all taught to never judge a book by its cover. Just because someone looks well on the outside, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t dealing with a variety of other side effects, both physically and mentally, that are associated with their cancer treatment. It is well known that how we appear can impact how we feel in any setting. Offering grace and compassion to yourself can be a way of modeling it for others in your life supporting you.

    Breast Cancer Counseling in the Denver Area  

    If you feel it would be helpful  to talk to a professional about emotional and social responses to breast cancer, whether you are a patient or a caregiver or healthcare provider, reach out to the compassionate and experienced staff at Shift Healing. Fill out our Appointment Request Form to connect for a free 15 minute consultation with any of our therapists.